The Bible: Commentary and Controversy

I don’t know what I believe, only that I believe. I don’t know what I believe in, only that I believe in something. Perhaps because the human mind (or at least my human mind) can’t fathom a being that created the world and everything in it, and watches over each of his creations every minute of every day, and gives them help when they pray for it, and either permits bad things to happen to them or permits another being, an evil one, to cause those bad things, I can’t believe in the biblical concept of “God.”

The problem is, several times I have felt the effects of such a being in my life. How can this be? I don’t know; I’m still searching.

One concept that intrigues me is that of “guardian angels,” alluded to many times in both the old and the new testaments. I’m not talking here about the “angels” that appeared to various old testament figures, conversed with them, and advised them on a proper course of action. I have a problem with those, because in the old testament these “angels” walked and talked pretty much like people, not phantoms, robed figures with wings, or beings sporting halos. Of course God did a lot of that, too. Then, largely coinciding with the appearance of Christ, the angels disappeared, as did God. This inconsistency bothers me.

I understand there have been thousands of “sightings” since the resurrection. Most describe angelic beings, ephemeral creatures, luminous flying figures, etc. Many, however, describe the presence of a man or woman who was seen at a critical time in a person’s life, then never seen again. I don’t know, of course, whether any or all of these involved angels. I only know I have experienced events in my life that could be explained by the presence of some being watching over me, responding to prayers, helping me in a time of trouble, and in general watching over me. I have no idea what or who that being is, and no tangible proof of its existence.

When my wife gave birth to our youngest child, she unexpectedly started hemorrhaging. The doctors couldn’t stop it, and in a few minutes her heart stopped. The doctors tried valiantly to revive her, with no success. When I heard her heart had stopped I went into the little chapel at the hospital, got down on my knees, and started talking not to God, or an angel, but to my firstborn son, Angus, who had died of cancer the year before.  I told him how difficult life would be without my wife, how much our other children and I needed her, and begged him to talk to God or whoever had the power to bring her back to life.

As I knelt there, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was a nurse, who told me my wife’s heart had started to beat again, and the doctors couldn’t explain why. She’d lain on the table, dead, for many minutes. The doctors had given up hope. Then, inexplicably, her heart started beating again. She was in a coma for weeks afterward. When she eventually awakened we found the event had wiped her mind almost clean of her former life; she didn’t recognize me, her children, her home, or anything except the baby that had just been born. But she was alive, and still is to this day.

I believe something or someone brought her back to life, perhaps based on my prayers and pleas. I believe my son, Angus, was partly or totally responsible; either he was able to accomplish it on his own, or convinced some other “being” to do so. I know the atheists, humanists, and agnostics will scoff; but of course I don’t care what they think. I remember the presiding physician bringing his young daughter into my wife’s room after she had awakened and saying “You’ve always told me you believe in miracles; I just wanted you to see one in real life.”

While this event proves to me that something out of my normal experience occurred – that there was some kind of intervention that saved my wife — I’m aware it has little to do with the possible presence of guardian angels. But it does give me food for thought.

I’m pretty sure there’ll be more on this subject later.

I started this project a few years ago to read – really read – the bible, to ask questions that occurred to me, and try to answer them in my own way. Unfortunately, the more I read, the less I began to think of the bible and the god of the old testament. Fortunately, I haven’t reached the new testament yet, though I have shared some passing thoughts about Jesus.

So rather than a reverential reading of a fascinating book, it has become a search for my own faith. I haven’t believed in a white-haired god in flowing white robes since I was a child; I have, however believed in God, because I have seen Him (or Her, or It) work small miracles in my life, but I have no knowledge of  who, what, and where that God is. Are the miracles simply coincidences I’ve attributed to a higher (or at least external) power?

I don’t believe so. But then again, I don’t know exactly what I do believe. So this project has now become a method, a pathway toward discovering what my beliefs actually are. I’m not foolish enough to think that I’ll wind up with some kind of concrete knowledge about god, or the watchmaker, or the creator, or aliens, or who/whatever I wind up believing in.

I know Jesus is that belief to many billions of people, largely because they see him as the personification of god, which gives them that concrete something to pin their faith on. Whoever invented Jesus, whether it was God Himself or just some really, really good storytellers, it was incredibly brilliant, because it gave all of us a specific someone to picture, and pray to, and from who to ask blessings. I am, however, a long way from the New Testament, and will now continue my stroll through “The Greatest Book Ever Written.”